and i might not be able to find myself then. so will you..

sometimes i wish i could really balance that well - in life and in studies, and perhaps accounting.

if you think i will spoil your mood, then leave me alone :/

mr santa,

i promise will be a good-er girl next year. for now, can you reward me with this?

its so prettyyy right?

oh noes.i'm turning into a high maintenance girl soon HA!

was blogrolling over to the previous xmas. how i been spending that awesome day.

time really flies - this's gonna be the last christmas we gonna celebrate together as a clique in poly? in just few months, we'll move onto different paths. leading to our very own so-called future career? some will bid farewell to student lives. some will move on to corporate world. some will serve the army. some will leave singapore. some will lose contact. and the possibilities will go on. mixed feelings, but what can we do?

we cant stop the clock from ticking away, right? no matter how much i do not wish to separate from you guys, it will still happen. i really wish i have the stop button, and pause everything at the moment.

enough of some emo stuff, you guys have xmas plans alr?

currently here's mine:

24th - meet hui after work and probably countdown@ jess's house

25th - xmas celebration with girlfriends

26th -candy cane christmas party with poly clique

eggcited.

was invited to miki sensei's wedding. had to admit the church is beautiful..

i wish i could hold my wedding in a church in the future. its so solemn yet a joyous occasion. its my first time attending a church wedding ceremony to be exact. mixed feelings. was kind of touched to tears at the corner of my eyes. its like very much a happy ending that all couples will turn out to be. happie and just emotional?

the solemnization, exchange of vows, prayers, scripture readings, and many more, they just added to how successful the ceremony went. most importantly, it signifies a new chapter for the newly-weds.

somehow when witnessing the ceremony, i got a thought of during my wedding, will my bestfriends be maid of honor and bridemaids? and all the thoughts just flow through like how will it turn out to be? which one of us will be the first to find your other half? etc...

then the other thought of it was saddening to get married LOL. i dont want to kind of "leave" my parents, the family i grew up in.. to carry another surname :/ okay sounded childish. but its just a thought at the moment. like my parents brought me up, educate me, pampered me EXTRA with love, and all.. now i had to build my very own family.. and perhaps spend more time with the new household.. might neglect them. oh man such thoughts just ewwww. HAHAHA.

no worries, i'm still neutral towards weddings.

P.S.

maid of honor: the closest friend or sister of the bride [if she's unmarried]

matron of honor: the closest friend or sister of the bride [if she's married]

bridesmaids: the good friends of the bride

zouk-ed with girlfriends yesterday :D one word - AWESOME.

its actually a beauty pageant before that for SIM.. oo the guy i voted came in first heehee! then prata for supper... headed back for our drinks and DANCE FLOOR! good music only came in around 1plus onwards. ohhh adding on, vodka lime is nice, much better compared to vodka orange. too bad cranberry was not available :(

think zouk experience is much better than the arena @ clarke quay. its much spacious and cosier? better music. funny lot of humans. we didnt even spend any $$, went to this guys table, and he damm ke qi? treat us drinks all the way. [one method to save money HA] just network? had 2 jugs of vodka lime.. [shared with hui] and 1 tequila before leaving.. oh. jess didnt drink, she's the sober-est one among 3 of us HAHA. we 2 got really high when back home, laughing in my room and tossing around. cant even slp a wink. suddenly no zz monster.

of course, we know clubbing people cannot be trusted and all, so we are really careful, no losses okay. HAHA. but the way their actions at the moment was really funny. the jokes they say and all. and they were really high-er than us. perhaps they drank really alot. not real friends for life, but perhaps for that night?

had to say, i quite like their ladies room. clean, good service, convenient (: not a bad experience overall. at least we three did enjoyed ourselves with the ending song of - alejandro. how not to get high! HAHAHA.

next post up will be miki sensei's wedding. *love love*

if only life is so simple...

tmr's the second last paper. hang it there people especially girlfriends who are having CTs!!!

down with fever and flu. thanks to this awesome guy sitting beside me sneezing all the way. i sure thank you for this man.

whatever it is, still has to endure till thurs.

poof! i'm off to my mugging CTs period. fast eh? i find it too fast and furious too!

P.S. hope i fight like a G6, and not score like a C6 :/

omg i seriously cannot take it, yet i have to endure for another 3 months?

can you freaking do your work, be independent, read your timetable for classes?! we really dont expect much anymore.. just do your part as a responsible friend and rep for the class.

if you miss the keyword: its RESPONSIBLE.

none of us are your secretary. we dont have to remind you ALL the time. we have a life of our own you know. its another 3 more months that i have to endure your nonsense.

a word of advice: do not find your friends only when you need them. friends aint your labourers. you share your joy and sorrow with them, not make use of them for who they are.

I REALLY NEED A PLACE TO RANT NOW. I AM AT A LOSS OF WHAT TO DO. SOMETHING HAPPENED THIS MORNING. SOMETHING I DIDNT WISH TO KNOW ABOUT. I JUST DIDNT KNOW HOW TO REACT TO IT. SHOULD I EVEN TELL THEM? DO THEY KNOW ABT IT AND CANT DO ANYTHING? OMG. I SHOULD BE FOCUSED IN CTs WHY AM I INVOLVED INDIRECTLY IN THIS? :(  

sorry cant turn back time, so why the need for it?

so kawaii heh?

shelter me, and i'll shelter you too ((:

fun-o-li-cious :D

shady shades ^^

yesh we sat that! how cool!

merrrlion.

so imbia! LOL.

my best shot in the night ^^

lake of dream.. where's my dream?

yepp girls, this is for you!!!!! - jess, serene, fangy

my new buddy ^^

jello beans.

to sum up all: at least we "made" it to USS - hi globe. LOL

busker festival @ sentosa! (: totally cant wait for tomorrow!

i pray the weather's good.

currently hearing:

dont you think the guy is cute ttm *winks*

when almost every single one of you out there ended your craze on HP.. i've just started mine.

headed to cine to meet girl and caught the move-yee as promised (: thanks for getting the awesome seats with NO ONE beside in the end hee. had oishii pontian noodles while receiting to her the para of jap i actually memorized for interview :X

such great friends aint they?

prettaye.

but she snip off her hair?!

guess its courage. yet i don't have that. heehee

yepp, so true, yet something i like (:

shits. i am still drowning in their world.

had an awesome night out yesterday after like couple of in-house days. UKISS lovee

ohoh. something worth cheering about: i passed my btt after 3 failure in e-trial LOL. in a deep discussion with parents regarding the next step. i still cant believe i am gonna drive on the road next time. weird but true.

koi-ed delivery to HM, and got myself a sweety toga, purple shades, hearty necklace ^^

vroom vroom (:

so beautiful right??? one day, i wish i can make a trip there (:

the weather's getting chilly these days..

as you know my house was on aircon 24/7 hrs.. so it just got even colder at times. it was just 5minutes ago.. when i had a convo with daddy.

we were just on a topic of weather's chilly and all. and then he told me ever since he fell sick previously and on long term medication, his body wasnt as strong as before. he felt cold easily... and when his friends shake hands with him, they would comment his hands to be icy cold.

it was then that i felt a sense of indescribable feeling. i felt hurt. heartbroken. cause i'm helpless. i couldn't do anything to give him warmth.

instead, all the time, he was the one that provide warmth for me. his mighty heater hands. his warm hug. i miss everything of that.

daddy, i might be ignorant of your body condition. i might not know how terrible it is to be on medication. but please stay healthy and strong-er for our sake. we love you much more than you know.

yes, i do love you.

i just wanna hug someone and cry out loud right now. this moment.

am i even given that chance?

another week has just passed. mostly talks and talks and still talks that i have attended so far..

i am once again lost in the wide array of choices i have after graduation. i lost the motivation i have towards university. which path should i embark on this time? am i gonna be as brave as i could in the past, choosing something different? i need advices. i need someone to decide for me. blah blah blah.

tons of projects deadlines, individual assignments are packing up like hell. i should be used to such stressful life isnt it? but why do i feel, this semester i have way too much to stomach? when things dont go my way, my mood changes. i will become short tempered. emo-ed. wanna hide under the blanket all day....

this time. besides studies, i have other things to handle. [perhaps its just myself] i'm not sure why my emotion is controlled by you. i'm sick and tired of this. i cant wait to get myself out from this cycle, but somehow i just got deeper and deeper into it.

friends, if i do APPEAR to be not-at-my-peak-of-mood, pls tolerate me. i just need a space to rant and a shoulder to cry upon.

this did cheer me up a little today. thanks chick.

this song is beautiful...

unwell by matchbox 20.

today's one of the emo-est night i have. i actually first teared over my tutorial. then to conflicts with my parents. i seriously have no idea whats wrong. i didnt did anything wrong. i am born like this. whether you like it or not, you have to accept me.. the fact that i'm not that kind of guru who can absorb things like a sponge and understand all the modules i'm studying.

i have my own weakness. do you know how hurting it is to say that sentence right at me? if you are busy and occupied with your stuff, can you just let me know? why must you go one big bush and trying to 'send' me another message? you might not mean that negative, but i wont know, cos you didnt bother to explain.

i have never felt so stress ever before among the semesters. whats wrong man?! my body clock is screwed. my mind is flooded with tutorials and modules everything. suddenly everything just starts to weigh me down right at this moment. i have to hang on till the very last lap.... instead of an encouragement, you pulled me all the way down this very night. should i thank you for that?

supposed to picnic tomorrow. being the normal circumstances, everyone simply got their very own reasons for pulling out.. so here i'm planning to revise and understand those i was previously confused tomorrow. i wish for a holiday getaway, but i couldn't. i wish for a time off for myself, yet it was cancelled. i wish for so many so many things, but i'll never got my wish.

on a brighter side, i koi-ed today and our blog shopping orders will reached me in 3 days!

sometimes, i just find myself being so small among the crowd. i could even lose myself in there, when that happens, can you guys still find me back?

oh god, my brain is really dead. been having nightmares all along again. i need to really sleep well this time.

hide me now

under your wings

cover me

within your mighty hand..

this song is damm cute!

who can i bunk with for 10days???

first week of sch has already been so hectic. deadlines, projects, tutorials, lectures, presentations, everything just thrown to us, right smack into our face at the same time. i felt the pressure i have never once felt so strong before.. pressure from academics, parents, peers and sometimes even the surroundings..

to kick start the semester with having to bus to school right early in the morning is not something looking forward to... afterall, daddy's been fetching me to sch almost every single day? i guess i take it for granted.. somehow this time, i got to wake up even earlier, hopped onto buses and squeeze among students and working adults, and get really nervous when time's ticking away yet, i'm merely 3/4 there..

today's been the worse day for the week? groupings. oh its such a headache. problems arose with an odd number of 7 of us. we are simply neither here nor there? couples have to split initially, each of us were unwilling to split and join other classmates and ya dah ya dah. i guess this is the last semester and everyone just wanna stick with those they love to work with and score the best out of themselves? its nothing wrong, cos i'm one of those as well. i just couldn't take the tension just now. its just intense, weird, confused. i couldn't help but to wonder is it a wrong move of mine to bring my friend into the class? i have no idea sometimes. why didn't you guys thought about how one will feels hearing those words you said? i guess this matter will be brought up now and then, until the entire semester ended. i just have to stomach all this, isn't it?

i was so glad that i have a closest khaki with me when i needed her... she will never fails to listen to my rantings and all, laugh joke do stupid actions with me (: thankew for today girl, for koi-ing and the ever-so-yummy mini steamboat dinnerr! hope you did really study a little of accounting ^^

p.s. girl, i am still kinda reminded of that picture in the book!!!! *screams*

its soon time for me to decide my route the next step i hopes to take after graduation.. i once had a dream of going overseas to study with my fellow girlfriends. leave this stressful and fast-paced country, and fleee to the paradise land! hostels, taking a stroll under the pine trees in the park, leaning against the tree having a picnic, shoppings spree, watching teevees together, most importantly, having one another by our side :D but i know, one day, i have to wake up from this dream.

cause a dream will only last for that couple of hours. still, i treasure it ♥

happie birthday stefanny!

and..................

i am so NOT ready for sch. my gawd less than 12 hrs.

warehouse day! cabbed to jooseng road with girls. and there's like charles &keith and mitju sales!!! up to 60%! *squeals* we decided to forgo charles and headed to spend our entire fortune on mitju! LOL. cool shit. we found lots good deals, despite our 1.5hr of queuing up just to ENTER the damm lift and room.

but girls, please dont drool in the following peektures, cos there're MAD CHIO.

merely 45 bucks, for 1 bag, 1 heels, 1 flats, 1 sandals!!!! awesome! and won a 5bucks voucher during lucky dip! [gonna sneak peak 2 chio footwear nia :P] i cant wait to wear them out u knowwwww!

wedges!

bohemian isn't it?! [this not my size lah! but i decided to mian qiang a little]

this is the slippers at homeeee: mine and mommyy ^^

hello kittyyy, sweet!

carrying our shopping bags, we then cabbed to bishan for koi! ICE CREAM MILK TEA IS LOVE! wanna see how shopaholic we are? photos up nextpost! (:

oh man school is starting, but all of a sudden, i'm so not ready for it!!!!!!!! :( can someone pause the time for me?

mommy went shopping alone, came back with a whole lot of shopping bags. i was only interested in this:

pretty chioooo ttm isnt it??! mommy gave me the one i been eyeing at - PURPLE :) but guess what. i have no idea how to open the bottle. ok to be exact is WE. hahaha. still exploring. and the shower gel smell damm nice tooo!!!! sorry gonna forsake dove for a couple of months hee.

i guess mommy and i has got really telepathy, cos ytd i bought something for her [hello kitty bedroom slippers in mad hot pink!] ok lah, the price cannot be compare... but its the thought that counts right :P

THANKEW MOMMY. [despite the frequent naggings and arguments here and there]

how did you guys spend your special day??

we had this craving for koi!!! hence 52-ed to bishan and then mrt to hougang for dinner @ freshly opened tori-q! ohhh and i was spending time in makan place and i kinda miss my coffee mate :(((( lucky its merely an hour hee!

ohh did i say how well were we in shopping?! we were about to get this dusty pink top yet we travelled to other outlets, end up got hui's size but no my size. hahaha guess its fated. end up we save $$ on that how brilliant!

made a simple wish in my heart @ 20.10pm! :)

to sum up all: 两个人最棒！

currently hooked onto:

i so love him to the max. wanna pinch his cheeks!! ♥ you, my little boyfriend.

somehow i got a feeling that the previous semester did really put a test to our friendships. of course, some of us got closer with each other, some were rather more distant....

was having a casual chat that day and a question suddenly struck us "when's the last time we managed to meet up together? full strength." i couldn't answer. or rather we couldn't recall that particular moment.

oh wait. is there such a time? i wonder.. when can we all really meet up besides birthday celebrations? even for a simple thing like dinner is so difficult to most of us nowadays....

on another note, when you said nasty things about someone, have you thought about the fact that she's my friend? she's someone whom i am close with. you might not like her, but if she's courteous and nice towards you, can you try to accept her? maybe not someone you are close with, but at least a normal friend.

i hate being caught in between. it hurts and i will get really lost.

When i see your face

That's not a thing i could change

cause you're amazing

just the way you are...

And when you smile

the whole world stops and stares for awhile

cause girl you're amazing

just the way you are...

sweet enough heh. if only those i love could understands that?

why do i feel i cant communicate to you too? whats wrong with spending time outside doing voluntary work? so now i know.. all you cared is about my studies, my grades, my future. to you, university is your everything. its still my holidays yet i already felt the stress coming from both of you. i thought you will understand. you will be different from her. but WHY. you 're actually so similar or rather, congruent.

i told him. i will be going to a children's home for voluntary work. i didnt get the support that i wanted. instead, that tone of voice came in " you alot of time is it. why cant you spend more time in your studies. " and when i told him, its actually next wk, which means its still my last wk of holidays, he shut his mouth. he added on " so? you could spend more time at home reading your modules next semester." wth! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF HOLIDAY?

i should chill heh. phew.. sick also must listen to your pile of crap. when's the last time you played a game with me? be it uno, monopoly, chess, etc. indeed, i start to agree with buddy that our house seem like a hotel rather than a house. yeah, its more high class and all. but the atmosphere is cold.

somehow, he cheered me up a lil (:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a

...a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life,

then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

hmmm what should i do?

seriously damm pissed off.

how would i know dad is in the toilet and i'm supposed to open the door?! didnt you have keys?! u expected me to use my own keys to open the door when i'm back, then why cant you do the same?! why you always expect ppl to do the way you want, and you wont do it the same way! freaking ass. just because of this, you can actually scold me for going school everyday?! now its holiday what do you expect me to study! even if i stay at home, you will scold me for wasting my life too! wth. this cannot go out also cannot. i so freaking making use of my own allowance daddy gave, not even a single cent from you. what are you making noise about.

even from this tiny incident, she can even link to MY STUDIES. so what if i went poly and didnt go jc. so what if your friends children have move onto uni and i'm still in the last yr of poly. TOO BAD. i am your daughter, not them. accept it or forget it. you should have long accepted this fact. its my last semester I KNOW. but it havent start! still got 2 ultra long wks, cant you let me enjoy them! i know i must buck up my gpa, i know i must enter university, i know i cant lose out to cousins, i know i cant be a disgrace to you in front of your friends. BUT HELLO! can you let me destress for now. i already can feel the damm stress lifestyle for the next 6 mths!

SO FREAKING PISSED. just one incident you can link to so many others non -related issues. you're just so unreasonable. i know i cant out-talk you, so i didnt even make a noise about it. i just maintain quiet, cos i know the moment i start saying i will just explode off. and whats wrong with not making any noise and comments! she say i mute =.=" omg stabbed me man.

please keep your mouth shut for 5 seconds. i wonder why you have such a long breath, yet you cant swim LOL.

had a nightmare these days, but woke up happily. this may seem nothing much, but it did put a smile on my face. thanks daddy.

me: 你吃饱了啊？

daddy: 我的小公主还没吃，奴才怎么可以吃。

so cute right haha. yepp i love him alot.

有时候在想，哭过，真的会好了吗......？

friday used to be the best day of the week. but somehow friends do suffer the same fate huh?

we talked about it like finally. after many months and days. no i'm not exaggerating but all the while i have no idea whats wrong wit you hormonal changes and all? i don't know. the facts that you laid down for me. i read. it went into my brain. the cells did work. but somehow some of it i beg to differ.

yes i agree and admit to the largest extent that i'm pampered, spoilt, born and lived in a life that my parents been treating me for being the precious little daughter. but hey, shouldnt you know it on the first day you know me? or after so many years of friendship? i know about this flaw of mine. i tried to change for the better and i can swear across my heart, i have changed compared to the past.and of course, i am still learning but i need time. i cant change overnight instantly. its beyond logic. if you hadnt feel the slightest of it, i am afraid thats because you havent open your heart for me. you haven try knowing the actual me.

i understand you are trying to tell me what others say about me. you're just letting me know and conveying those messages to me. so do you believe it? do you take their words? thats my question to you. if so, well, i can say those people achieve their aim of hurting me. and what hurts me most was you didnt choose to put your trust in me. arent friendships about trust? yes they may have the best experience in work, but they do not acquire the full knowledge about me. i'm your friend, the one you known for nearly 3 years... yet those stories from them can pull us right apart. how great. yes those stories were true, i was fast, whats wrong with it.

.... for a moment when you talked to me, i was happy cause you got me a gift for birthday. you did remember. thats when the nightmare started.

on second thoughts, i was thinking so thats what OP is all about. i trusted in them. i accepted them from colleagues to friends. i joke around with them. i laughed and smile from the bottom of my heart to them. i gave them my true self. what did i got in return?

they are so plastic..they are so good at deceiving, quoted a literature phrase i learnt in sec school " daggers in their smiles" and "look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it.." yes, now i truly get what it means.

i am in a confusion right now. fix me, please.

on a lighter note, i was glad tomorrow i will be out, away from the troubles.

this movie caused me to "confess" indirectly to wilson in the games room. wth.

this song is so sweet.

stefanny just made my day, read this:

stefanny says:

And happy birthday once againnn

Hope u'll get ur chicken wing tonight

In bigger portion than usual :D

cute or wad? HAHA!

oh qihui, stefanny and i got into the same IS class!!!! it was indeed a horrifying experience!

i'm gonna head out real soon!!!!!!!!!

shopping with mommy to get my bird day cake as well as my bird day presents! then off we go to meet up with daddy for dinner (:

so.................... today i'm gonna SMILE and be a happy girl!

and what's more was hui gonna sellerbread with me tmr despite her piling up of projects :D *touched*

heard this on mtv just nw:

RIP Mrs Lee.

in fact i might not know her personally. i guess in every singaporean's heart, we do feel something for her departure.

人有生，必有死。。但既然知道自己最后的终点都一样，那人们为什么要生呢？我搞不懂为什么我们要承受这种生离死别的痛苦。对，那时生活的一部分，但那真的好折磨人们啊。

我讨厌，讨厌，很讨厌！

looking on the brightside, mommy came home with a bowl of ai xin porridge for my supper, cos i'm sick :(

oh man.. can someone tell me why i dont feel the happiness even when october has arrived? it used to be my favourite month of all. but recently i really dont feel the thrill of it.

i guess its him? her? or rather, me? i am so god damm lonely these days. can you believe i been cooping at home for consecutive three days! its nvr like this ever... wasted my bus concession. wasting my life. everyone's just so busyyyy. [not that i blame anyone of course, i know some of my earthlings are occupied with work, projects and all (: ]

not to say, even my parents are pretty occupied. daddy was so busy that he's got meeting lined up all the way till next week. even the dinner we have placed reservation for, he couldnt fetch us there.. we couldnt even set off together. oh well, in order to have a dinner, we still must meet at the restaurant itself.

sometimes i wonder, why do i have such a pair of busy parents? i know they love me very much, but you know, my mind do wander alot..

i think i'm still very affected by what has happened. when can i walk out of it?

if i am in the bunch of them, will you still able to find me?

yeshh.. i'm so lonely.

perhaps i should go out alone better than cooping at home.

saw the 2 earthlings there with me? well, there are part of the crew that made what my results what they are today ^^ and i am thankful for them.

[though jess didnt really help much cos she's sleeping with half of her eyes closed, omg yes still horrifying! but her presence and laughter do make us get HIGH]

cumulative gpa currently is 3.60.. which is still pretty far away from my target. i will work even harder for the last semester. nothing shall distracts me this time round.

-believe and you will achieve.