Everything seems to be crumpling down.. Friendships, studies, work. I lost the passion I used to have in work. I start to slack a little. My KPI seems to have dropped slightly. 

Studies not on the right track, behind schedule.. Too slow a pace for revision, or rather I have yet to start. Neither did I play a lot too... I just haven master the skill of juggling work n studies :( 

Friendships. Apart. Gone. The ones who were once closest slipped away. Treasuring the ones who stood by me till now. 

I yearn for a hug, a concern and a shoulder to lean on... One thing bf taught me was never bring unhappiness from work home... Well, I know. So I cry silently, didn't want daddy & mommy to worry. I know they dote me a lot.. Especially miss the times we get to spend a lot lot moments together. Can't wait for the family trip in oct, where we can all escape frm work a little, and relax ourselves. 

Thankyou bf for teaching me the hard way so I'm a stronger girl in working society now. If I'm the old self, I should have alr collapse right now. 

Blessed for what I have still. 

i know these 2 years is gonna be a very tough period for myself.. juggling between work, studies, family and friends. i have already seen myself drifting away from alot alot of friends, not because i want to, but already am maximizing out time for everyone i could do so. i'm so tired that i simply just needed rest, both mentally and physically.

the road ahead is tough, and rocky. but i chose this path myself. yeah, accounting might not be my first choice in life, but since i'm in it, i will do my very best to attain my career goal. people been telling me, work is not everything, i should learn to put some work down. but deadlines are flying everywhere. i want to reach the position i aim for myself during my prime age. i want to do my parents proud. i want them to know i can have a career of my own without them worrying for me.

for those who dont understand me, you will when you start a career yourself. and i couldnt care anymore, those who chose to leave and desert me just when i got very less time with you, so be it. true friends will not leave me behind like this. and for these people, i'm grateful for you and your understanding.

working in a society make me grow to know how each friend turn behind you and treat you like strangers. yeah, my heart is broken. but i'm thankful for you to let me know how much i'm worth in you. thats my worth. :/

today we talked about our future aft bond end.... and one question actually stumped me...

你觉得自己适合做 audit 吗?

i dunno how to answer... nobody is suitable for a career ... its everything that happens that shape us to be more align with our career....

she has a passion for dance. she wants to take up dance license to teach. but was forced to take up acca by her dad as dance was deemed to be "no prospect"... i have a similar encounter. i wanted to take up counselling. but my parents too think there's no future... do i really like accounting? but now that i've studies for years, is impossible to give up now. money, youth, time and cost. everything has been buried in there. there's no reason why i should give up now.sigh...

if i chose the other route of taking up counselling, will my life be different now? or perhaps its better that i am in what i am now. or else my life will be such a joke. imagine i'm a counsellor, yet i have tons of problems that i cant even unknot on my own.


end up, we both sigh and said "这就是人生啊！“ 。。。

headed to visit my grandparents today in conjunction with Qing Ming Festival...and most importantly i told my beloved ah ma " 你的孙女毕业了，做工赚钱了。她会学怎么照顾父母，你不用再操心了。"

even after 11 years, i still miss her alot. she's someone who cannot be replaced by anyone. the love and happiness she gave me during my childhood days is so memorable... it all seems just like yesterday.

i know all these years, she's been watching over me right on top... protecting me and loving me using her very special way. 

i'm sorry that 最后你最爱的人伤你最深.....perhaps you wont mind and you will simply pat her saying she's such a silly girl... but i'm still quite affected by it. i love you ah ma. you'll live in my heart forever. 

Been catching up with ppg! Yesterday was hk dim sum hunt followed by our routine photo taking sessions hahaha! 

Times with them alw pass so fast. Le sigh... 

P.s. woots! Boyf reservist ends tmr! :D

This custard bun is the bombz!

#ppg

Our favorite mode! Red lippies!

Fang...... Where our tulip and zoo outing :( 

Honesty speaking, I think I have the most awesome parents who really dote on me and pampered me like a little princess. Yes I don't deny we do have arguments and cold wars for weeks, but the love will not get any lesser. Sometimes I hate them for being over protective of me. I want them to know I'm a grown up girl and know the consequence of every action I do. 

Yet, their small actions of love and concern never fails to melt my heart. They have love me for more than 22 years. From the moment they know I'm coming to this world, they start adding on their love to me. They work hard to give me a comfortable life where I can ask for anything I want, be it satisfying my material needs. I know even I want the stars in the sky, they will scold me for being overbearing but yet till the end, they will pluck them for me. These are my silly parents. They don't show their love on the surface, but the actions tell it all. 

We once got separated in heart for awhile due to some unhappiness matters. It's prolly our first incident to overcome as a family, but I'm relieved we actually pulled through. Because of speaking out our difficulties and unhappiness, we are clearer of our love we have for one another. And in fact become stronger in ties. Though we are still upset over that matter, but we are letting it go. Cause we understand its beyond our control, every individual of us has no direct responsibility for that accident. We pulled through the hard times because of one simple thing - LOVE. 

At this juncture, I don't hope for much, just like other children, hoping my dearest parents will live healthily and happily to witness every important milestones in my life- convocation, first decent job salary, marriage, starting my own family, attaining my goals in life.

Daddy and mommy, I might seem closer to each of you all in terms of certain aspects, but I shared equal love to both of you. I love my family and memories we shared. 

Love you two, till eternity.

They say relationship has many stages. Indeed. It's been 18 mths at the moment. We've already pass the honeymoon period where couples are so deeply in love that they couldn't see each other flaws. 

We've also passed the period were we start to quarrel and argue and dig out stuff to improve each other to a certain level... 

Right now, we are at a stage where we just enjoy each other companion and sharing of everydays' joys and problems. Finding and starting a good career is our priority at the moment. Hopefully, this period can last cause I enjoy such calm and stagnant times :) 

People might think what's it to be in love when there's no big ups and downs or we do not stick entirely close with each other or live in our own couple world.

But to us, such relationship is prolly the most secured and realistic. And it's something that will slowly blossom and grow. 

ILY,raym.

hmmmm this got me into thinking:

bff - what does it really mean in my life?

serene once told me, ppl changes... they come and they go in our lives. yeah its true... but its just so hard to digest. oh well... when its just me who is experiencing the changes, then i guess thats my prob of defining someone... but if most ppl notices the change, then i suppose i'm not the root of the issue? i tried to talk to her about it... she claims there's no changes, from the start she's like this... so.... i guess i do not know her that well afterall? aft a decade of friendship, it went back to square. the unfamiliar kind of feeling is back. this is weird, but is true. we do not have any common topic anymore... i dont pin high hopes for any changes. i just feel i have to enjoy every moment i have with my fellow close friends.

i'm tired. i just hope one day when she suddenly thought of me and wants to be back on close terms with me... i will still be there for her.


am i suppose to let go slowly? who else can guide me through...

I really hate being caught in between situations. Especially between two people I care. I came to realise how hard it is to be in a relationship, not only having to care about my parents but also my boyf. 

Who can understand my woes? Every explanation I said to my boyf are excuses in his eyes. But they are the facts that my parents want me to do. To let my parents know how much boyf loves me, I told them all the good things. To let boyf have an idea of how nice my parents are, I didn't tell him some truths that my parents said.  Every sour I have to endure on my own. I have to apologies  and bend a humble pie to the other party (whoever it is) to get their forgiveness. 

I'm just a person. A typical girl in town. Used to think even when nobody in this world understand me, there's someone out there who will. But now, where's that person? I may be indebt to many ppl be it my past life, this life or whatsoever. But my parents didn't. They are not obliged to do anything for anyone. 

I'm so tired....not because I didn't try, but I tried so hard but to find out not much people out there appreciate me. I'm alw the one pleasing others, I really don't mind as long as they are happy. It's just sometimes pleasing others is tiring too, need a break and I will get back up again.

pretty food and pictures never fail to cheer me on a little (:

exams are just ard the corner in 2 mths time... its my last semester of the degree.. i have no reason not to do well... i have to be at my peak performance! (go go go!)

some friendships on the rocks. (perhaps only i feel this way) 

Sometimes your brain and your heart just wouldn't tally... You know clearly you won't do certain things to upset the other, but your actions are gradually letting go of her...

I'm unsure how long I can last with this. But at this moment, perhaps it's right that I should just smile with all the memories we once shared.

Changes. Something I hate to adapt, but I have to.

Life goes on, nonetheless.

其实我好懦弱哦，我好没有勇气，没有说服力，没有给人信任我的理由，好没用，好懒惰，好没脑，好傻，好慢半拍.....

可我却有一颗想要什么都顺从别人的意思的心，因为我要他们快乐，我要让他们高兴。可是为什么到头来，我却最不快乐。

我爱的人，由始至终有爱过我吗？有站在我的立场为我想吗？

我只是想要很简单的过生活，真的有那么难吗？越来越忧郁的过日子，好累哦。能不能让我休息，换另一个我来代替一下下....

tumblr still has the most beautiful photos :) they never fail to cheer me on. 

Sometimes I wonder who still read this space of mine? At the same time wishing that no one else still reads it so that I can rant all my unhappiness here.... And no one will ever ever finds out.

Anyway, I've turned twenty-one. Hopefully I'll have time to blog abt it soon :)

on 27 May 2012, my grandpa left our family. indeed, i have to admit i dont have much sweet memories of him except for his fierceness and biasness towards grandsons and other grandchildren whom he dote alot on. he is the complete opposite of grandma.. he might not have love me as much as others, but i chose to take the things he did for me as an act of love from him.

because of me, he fell down twice and had stitches on his head. because of me, he had to spend lesser time playing chess with his friends downstairs just to take care of me. because of me, he pick me up from school almost everyday in the evening. because of me, he quarrelled alot with grandma. and the list goes on.....

there are happy memories too... he used to buy back my favourite durians when parents are not at home, and we three will enjoy it among ourselves.. he used to carry the 10kg bag of rice over his shoulder back home every week. he used to take bus everyday out just to meet his friends. he used to cook super yummy noodle soup for me after i'm home from school. he used to call me ah ling loudly at home whenever he couldnt find me... so many and many...

i cannot say he didnt love me, cause i know he did.

a small regret for myself was i did not apologise to him personally even up till he's gone... i said in my heart, hoping that he could hear what i say...

thankyou ah gong.... whether you accept my apology or not. what's important is i know now you are staying together with ah ma once again. 你在我的人生里留下很多美丽的回忆。以前你所担心的，不必再操心了。

阿公，一路走好......

FINALLY DONE WITH EXAMS! ITS HELL SERIOUSLY... but i survived oh wells :D
back-track to the month of april! its a very important month in my mini clique cos its besties birthdays!!!! so the planner will be fang fang and me me! hahaha! and our theme this year is a little diff since we have to take into consideration its their 21st!!!! decided to go on a cosy and memorable day for them! so fang planned dinner and me for the after dinner surprise!

first stop of the evening:

second stop: smith street for our calamari photoshoot ^^

choose hot pink as background cos we are filled with love and passion for one another HAHAHA! MMUACKKKSSS.

third stop: princessy cafe for us to chill out @ann siang hilll

pictures speak a thousand words, so let them do the talking! anyway glad that our plan all work well and smoothly with each other planning and research. (ok la i admit fang did 80% research HAHA) i was busy lor LOLL! :x thankew fang fang!!!! alw feel so safe with her around.. shes like my mama~~ :D

upcoming plans in june:
-acca invigilation
-par-tor with boyf <3
-my very own bday party plans
-overdue presents for friends
-get a part time job
-get all the admin work for transfer to SIM done properly
-outing with cliques
-EXERCISE WITH exercise besties haha!
-MAHJONGGGG
-polish up driving skills (did i say i failed for the second time DAMN)
-HARRY POTTER EXHIBIT WITH FANG *crucioooooo~*

currently these are on the lists... adding on....